There are days when the desire that is most percolating inside is one that asks you to do nothing, not just nothing, but absolutely nothing. You shake it off. Do nothing? How dare I? I have to earn my keep in this place. I did not come here to be a slacker, to drink wine and draw lazy circles on a canvas with my head in the clouds. So you force yourself to move, to get busy.
I stopped forcing myself to do anything I did not want to do and I’m no poorer for it, but instead, richer and happier, healthier and less stressed. If only I had figured out earlier that I was following the wrong conductor — one that was going to his own tune, her own idea of how the music should be played, their beliefs that they foisted on me because I had somehow ended up in their orchestra.
Well, I put down my instrument and walked off the stage, feeling the eyes of the others staring me in my back. Some shot daggers of envy, others admired my bravery and there were a large number of those who thought I was just plain stupid. I did not care.
Now I play my own songs, dance to my own music, eat what I like, drink what I want, smile when I am sad and cry when happy. I do not have to do anything like anybody else because I am me.
The getting to this point is not always easy
Sometimes it takes us quite a while to come to this realization. The lucky ones are born this way, and the not-so-lucky like me and perhaps you, we had to struggle to find ourselves. The same self that was calling us gently all along, but we didn’t hear — the orchestra was playing too loudly.
For me, the way forward was like a murky pool. I knew I wanted to wade in but was afraid since there was no seeing what lurked beneath. What to do?
Deciding that the best thing was to take some vacation from the 9–5, I submitted my request, anticipating the time away to rest and regroup and decide whether I was going to stick a toe in the pool and test the temperature or just head-first it.
The strongest urge was to head-first it but this went against everything I was taught to be true. There was an underlying need for clarity, answers, assurances, reassurances —
I wanted to know for sure
One morning, I woke to a bird singing outside my window. It was an unfamiliar song, having never heard that tune before but seemed to be welcoming me to something different, a new experiences.
Parting the curtains and peeking out, while at the same time trying to avoid the warm rays of the early morning sun from hurting my eyes, I saw one fat black bird wearing a bright orange vest perched on the window.
I had seen it before. It was the same one that always enjoyed stealing my dogs kibbles. I smiled.
“What do you have to say? What is the good news? Are you joining my band?”
The bird cocked its head, looked at me and chirped, “well, since you cannot sing, you will have to play drums.”
I laughed out loud. A new conductor in an orange vest.
© I. Trudie Palmer
One Love